Light it. Live it. Love it.

With its marble floors, frosty temperatures and florescent lights, it’s possible upon first glance to mistake the cavernous carnival of consumerism for the Saturday night chaos of a Washington D.C. morgue.

Excited and eager to spend, customers rummage through the aisles like a pack of drunken sailors in a dockside brothel.

While I understand the excitement of children who can’t help but cackle in wonder and awe of this Mecca of gadgetry, I always shed a single salt tear for the poor souls that migrate towards the computer department in the hopes of finding a PC or Laptop for their “kid in college” or some poor bastard who made the mistake of telling his wife that he “needed a new computer”.

Best Buy’s computers range from shitty and cheap (E-Machines) to shitty and expensive (you can sometimes find the same model for hundreds less from online retailers).

As if that weren’t enough, Best Buy promises around the clock service from their laughable “Geek Squad”. By the time you get your computer repaired, Jenna Bush will be serving her second term as President of The United States and Ted Williams will have been thawed out and playing left field for the fucking Red Sox.

Even when Best Buy looks to be competitive on computer prices, their specs (graphics card, RAM, etc.) are usually inferior to the “same” model being offered by another retailer. It’s a lot like going out to dinner with Rosie O’Donnell and springing for four “Surf N’ Turfs” when you could have spent the night with Mischa Barton for the price of a Double Latte and a pack of Marlboros.

Do the math.

The only thing worse than the fools scrambling around looking for bogus computers are the assholes sniffing around the home entertainment department like they actually have the scratch to pick up the 1080p Hi-Def and the 40-speaker surround sound system that is supposedly better than coming face to face with God.

 Wait…wait…wait. You know what? I forgot something very, very important. They don’t need any scratch.

Plastic is Best Buy’s currency of choice and if you’re willing to sign your soul over to the devil himself, you can waltz right out the front door with a big box of badass and not make a payment for the next two decades.

It’s the same beautiful system that has created an artificial economy and bankrupted countless dirt bags that can’t pay the piper when he’s whistling at their front door.

For all of its shortcomings, Best Buy is absolutely the best in one particular area: movie selection. If I ever felt the need to purchase Short Circuit 2 or pickup the second season of Highway to Heaven, Best Buy would definitely be my first stop.

All the piss poor service and outrageous prices in the world couldn’t keep me from my beloved Johnny Five.

Operating in Life’s Trivial Pursuit,

Ronald Cherry