 Light it. Live it. Love it. In some cultures this would be regarded as “alcoholism”, but I affectionately call it “Ronald’s medicine time”. It’s impossible to blame major news agencies for wanting to report on the absolute worst that humanity has to offer. After all – death, sex, scandal, war and American Idol are what sell in this country of ours. It was after my 10th or 11th “taste” the other night that I finally figured out what was really bothering me. It’s not the rampant violence or even the constant and utterly depressing updates involving global warming. It’s the anchors themselves. I started thinking of ways that a major network could improve their nightly news segment and still remain within the parameters of acceptable programming. Here’s a list of things that could really spice things up:
1) Let’s drop the Imperial March theme from the production. How about a swanky ragtime-era song complete with a thumping brass section and an impossibly fast piano? And really hit the high notes on that piano. I want something I can tap my foot to. 2) Why the long faces? I know the news is depressing, but the anchor shouldn’t be. What if we start following stories like “12 dead in a Baghdad market blast” with “But, the Army core of engineers rebuilt six schools today and rain is in the forecast for parts of the drought-ridden country”. Even if it isn’t true…just throw something in there. 3) And what about nicknames for the anchors? It would make them a little bit more human and a lot less robotic. With names like Russ “Iceman” Mitchell, you could have your field correspondents ending reports with “Back to you, Iceman.” That would be pretty sweet. 4) Finally, let’s get some new signoffs. Instead of “Thanks for watching”, let’s have something like “Good night, America. And remember; tomorrows news is always better than today’s.” At least give us some hope. Well, that’s pretty much it. I think those four simple changes would really make the news more palpable. It might even curb my excessive indulgence in scotch - a miracle to end all miracles. Operating in Life's Trivial Pursuit, Ronald Cherry |
