Cherished friends, I come to you again with a bit of intelligence that I have uncovered pertaining to the infinite depth of corruption and disregard for freedom that is, sadly to say, our Federal government.

This time, rather than a carefully guarded secret like the formula for Coke or the real age of Morgan Fairchild, this outrage to liberty is right in our faces. I am speaking, of course, about the dastardly connection between television ratings juggernaut American Idol and our ubiquitous big brother.

 Each year about this time millions of American citizens tune in their idiot boxes to witness the modern day Gestapo at work.

Years ago as the British show called Pop Idol was imported to the US, the government (upon advice from the Brits) quickly made contact with the show’s creator Simon Fuller who helped to make the British version of the show the greatest vehicle for keeping tabs on the unruly and dentally forsaken youth of the once-great empire.

You see, each year the government chooses the various locations for this karaoke monstrosity’s tryouts-- a devilishly sly way to entice thousands of youngish Americans to gather in one place and happily hand over vital information and sign various forms that secretly leave them indebted to the Federal government.

They are made to wait for extended periods of time in lines, in all kinds of weather which leaves their mental capacities (which already have to be rather poor to want to participate in the farce) in bad shape and so they gladly comply with any and all requests for information about themselves and their families which is gathered by the government operatives disguised as simple American Idol staff.

Once the information is procured, these witless kids are ushered into an empty room where they humiliate themselves and receive verbal lashings from Britain’s own taskmaster Simon Cowell (who may as well be Mengela) and bits and pieces of praise and disaproval from two former entertainers (a Laker girl who danced with a cartoon cat and a guy that played bass with Journey long after its prime).

And what do my compatriots do? Do they stand up and turn the TV off in a defiant defense of freedom? No. They sit back and enjoy some quality time watching the defiling of the future of our nation.

If you want to see some witty quips that badly, turn on a rerun of Night Court and watch Selma give it to Dan Fielding; don’t let this show turn the future of our country into a joke for the world and a crop of zombies for our government to use as they will.

Now is not the time for Americans to be idle. I know it.

- Roy Bancroft, Jr.