Although it wasn’t invented in America, I think that it’s pretty safe to say that outside of hamburgers and hot dogs, pizza is the food that most citizens believe in the most. It is a doughy stalwart and a savior in hard times. It comes to us at 2am after we have had too much to drink or simply can’t get to sleep because of the sleep deprivation chemicals that the federal government puts in our water to keep us “malleable in the brain.”

Now, my fellow slice enthusiasts, I must warn you of a sinister plot hatched by “Good Ol’ Unkie Sam” and one of our country’s oldest pizza chains. When was the last time you saw Pizza Hut advertise an actual pizza? They should change their name for the same reason that the urban legend holds that Kentucky Fried Chicken became KFC…that ain’t no chicken, and this ain’t no pizza.

You won’t hear this anywhere but here, but Pizza Hut’s new “Popable Bites Pizza” is a scam, a rouse, and a device to lower our expectations both as Americans, and as lovers of the pie. First of all, this thing looks like something that a scientist developed to see how loosely the term “pizza” can be applied to something and still be legally accurate.

Second of all…it was. It has come to my attention that a team of government scientist created this monstrosity and called in a favor from the Pizza “Slut” whores who will seemingly do anything for a buck; except make and sell pizzas.

Turns out that they owe the G-men one for letting them get by with listing a pizza topping as “pork topping”-- we all know what you’re probably getting with that mess. You see, the Feds want to see how far they can push us on the everyday things like pizza, gas, and freedom before we’ll stand up and cry out for what is rightfully ours.

They defame our beloved pizza, get some cut-rate ditz in red boots to butcher a classic song to disguise it, and we eat it up…just like a good citizen should. Right.

It’s time we climb to the highest peak and scream, “Give us back our country…and put some pepperoni on there for good measure!” They’re banking on our complacency. Today it’s pizza, tomorrow; it’ll be our liberties. I know it.

- Roy Bancroft, Jr.