2HOT4U

According to reports, the diminutive pack of dynamite better known as John Oates recently lost a portion of his trademark porn-stache in a tragic sparkler accident over last Fourth of July weekend and was not able to satisfactorily revive his patented push-broom in time for the group’s scheduled appearance at the Coliseum.

Although his stylists tried frantically to recreate the legendary lip-awning with a myriad of methods including upper lip massage, an experimental cream meant to stimulate facial hair growth, and a gutsy patchwork of fake mustache hairs, they were unable to come up with a solution that would be suitable both to Oates himself, and his scores of devoted fans.

Darryl Hall, Oates’ longtime partner, reportedly pleaded with his compatriot to take the stage anyway, but the stubborn Oates refused claiming that his mustache was “the source of all of his charisma,” and that it “defined him as a man.”

Spidey entertains some onlookers.

According to sources close to the wacky web slinger, Spider-Man had all but promised to nix a deal for a fourth film unless co-stars Kristen Dunst and the always dopey Tobey Maguire reprise their respective roles as Spidey’s love interest and alter-ego.

With Hollywood buzzing with conjecture, the original web head staged a press conference on the steps of the City Hall today in the hopes of clarifying the situation with reporters.

As members of the press waited anxiously for the masked acrobat, Spider-Man swung in stage left, did three cartwheels, a back flip, and landed perfectly behind his podium to greet the applauding pool of reporters.

Nice work, Ty.

According to the complaints made public by ABC, most of the problems stem from the bedrooms that were made for the families’ kids and the heart-wrenching “memorials” that are often times placed somewhere in the new houses in the event that the family has lost a loved one.

One such issue raised by an angry teenager living in a new Extreme Makeover house is that when the show was talking to the family before they built their new home to see what kind of things the kids were interested in-- in order to come up with possible design strategies for their bedrooms-- he was asked simply, “Do you have any hobbies?”

He says that since he was thirteen at the time, and had just recently received a model train for Christmas the year before, he replied simply “I like trains.” Which he did…at the time.

Your tears can only make him stronger.

After a brief stint as Nick-Nack on the kryptonite turd of a television series “Superboy”, Gottfried slimed his way back into the audible range of humans as the seizure-inducing voice of the AFLAC duck. Ranking #2 behind only the manatee as having “The least amount of redeeming value of all of God’s creatures”, Gottfried’s infamous admission into the Guinness Book of World Records has all but destroyed his once fledgling career.

Although humanity has attempted to scrub his existence from it’s conscience, AFLAC irresponsibly allows the foul smell of his presence to linger like the pungent aroma of puke on a dorm room mattress.

It was one such AFLAC commercial that led part-time watchmaker, full-time boozehound and father of three, Mike Taint onto the path of disciplinary enlightenment.