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According to reports, the diminutive pack of dynamite better known as John Oates recently lost a portion of his trademark porn-stache in a tragic sparkler accident over last Fourth of July weekend and was not able to satisfactorily revive his patented push-broom in time for the group’s scheduled appearance at the Coliseum.

Although his stylists tried frantically to recreate the legendary lip-awning with a myriad of methods including upper lip massage, an experimental cream meant to stimulate facial hair growth, and a gutsy patchwork of fake mustache hairs, they were unable to come up with a solution that would be suitable both to Oates himself, and his scores of devoted fans.

Darryl Hall, Oates’ longtime partner, reportedly pleaded with his compatriot to take the stage anyway, but the stubborn Oates refused claiming that his mustache was “the source of all of his charisma,” and that it “defined him as a man.”

Hall then reminded Oates of their commitment to their fans and their obligation as musicians, to which Oates responded by telling him that he was “out of touch” if he didn’t understand the mustache’s importance and that he (Oates) was “out of time” to sit and listen to “stupid” reasons as to why he should ever go on stage without his beloved mustache crutch.

Seemingly small reasons for show cancellations have plagued some of the biggest names in music for quite sometime because many artists become so fixated and reliant on what they perceive to be their trademarks that they cannot function without them.

This reason is said to be the cause of several MC Hammer no-shows in the early nineties as the famous rapper became obsessed with his overly baggy pants that he claimed were “not fly enough” unless he could use his crotch as a parachute to safely land on stage from a five foot high stage prop.

Meatloaf wouldn’t go on stage without his silk handkerchief that he waved around to over-dramatize his songs and sop up his gushing sweat, and Don Henly reportedly won’t put on a show unless there are a specific brand of tissue on hand to dry all of his whining, crybaby tears.