She probably deserved it.

According to reports, the unrelentingly annoying Rivers was stabbed twice in the guts by an undisclosed celebrity who asked Rivers numerous times to leave the party at which she was both an unwelcome, and uninvited guest. Rivers reportedly ignored the star’s requests and continued to gallivant around the festivities, pestering countless guests about the clothes they were wearing and asking for their opinions on the believability of her horrendous plastic surgeries.

After an hour and a half of Rivers’ pretending to be friends with the assembled glitterati and her tired shtick about why she wasn’t nominated by the Academy for her performance in Spaceballs, she reportedly found herself surrounded by a small group of Hollywood heavyweights in a far off corner of the room, one of which is alleged to be the hero who plunged a carving knife from the prime rib station of the ample buffet into Rivers’ liposuctioned carcass.

Paramedics were called to the scene a mere three hours after the stabbing when it became apparent to those present that the wounds inflicted on the Red Carpet Menace were not enough to silence her abrasive and bothersome voice forever.

Police arrived a short time later, but found the celebrity witnesses to be rather tight-lipped about the events that took place. The statements they were able to gather only served to strengthen the motive behind the “tragedy” and caused the responding officers to deeply sympathize with the butcherly crowd. The police were not able to ascertain the name of the culprit, and reportedly did not push the issue despite the presence of hundreds of eye-witnesses.

 California Governor and former actor Arnold Schwarzenegger has publicly decried the incident, but has been said to have expressed opinions to the contrary in private, hoping only that whoever did this “community service” artfully dropped in a succinct one-liner before doing the good deed, casually noting that he probably would have said something like “…And the knife goes to…” or “I hope Gucci makes body-bags”.

Ms. Rivers has declined to comment on the incident.