Your tears can only make him stronger.

After a brief stint as Nick-Nack on the kryptonite turd of a television series “Superboy”, Gottfried slimed his way back into the audible range of humans as the seizure-inducing voice of the AFLAC duck. Ranking #2 behind only the manatee as having “The least amount of redeeming value of all of God’s creatures”, Gottfried’s infamous admission into the Guinness Book of World Records has all but destroyed his once fledgling career.

Although humanity has attempted to scrub his existence from it’s conscience, AFLAC irresponsibly allows the foul smell of his presence to linger like the pungent aroma of puke on a dorm room mattress.

It was one such AFLAC commercial that led part-time watchmaker, full-time boozehound and father of three, Mike Taint onto the path of disciplinary enlightenment.

“I was up late one night after tying one on with the boys and I come home to find my daughters sittin’ around watching television like it’s a fucking Saturday night. They got school startin’ up in four hours and my wife’s away on business somewhere. Of all the nerve! I snatched em’ up and I was yellin’ at em’ something fierce when that damned duck came on the T.V. My girls started crying and a carryin’ on. At first I thought it was the booze on my breath, but I’ll be damned if they weren’t ‘fraid as shit of that damned AFLAC duck. So I threw in my 1980-81 season of SNL and showed em’ Gilbert Gottfried up close and personal like. I told em’ to be good or they’d wake up one night and find him yellin’ at em’ at the foot of their bed. I ain’t had ‘nary a problem since.”

Taint’s colorful portrayal of Gottfried’s power as a disciplinary tool should have been dismissed as a random act of parental madness, but moms and dads everywhere are counting on the power of Gottfried’s voice and lethally hideous face to scare children into behaving.

School playgrounds across the country are alive with the buzz of frightened children exchanging stories of Gottfried popping out of bedroom closets and reaching out to grab their arms and legs from the darkened abyss below their beds.

Instead of telling misbehaving children to “go pick out a switch”, many parents display a Gilbert Gottfried ‘Wall of Shame’ containing an entire collection of his most embarrassing “work”. Children are instructed to remove the DVD of their choice and sit down in front of the television to view their punishment.

The end result is always the same; a river of tears followed by sleepless nights waiting for “The Gottfried” to come and get them. Truly horrifying.