Mmm..mmm..mmmorbidly obese.

Today however, as the town embarks on a new era of runaway development in the area surrounding a Wal-Mart (and soon to be an even bigger Wal-Mart), a number of all-you-can-eat restaurants have sprouted up which have given Boink-Town its very own Buffet District-- an honor normally reserved for bigger, fatter towns across the country.

According to a number of residents, they love the one-stop trough variety provided by these establishments, and can’t remember how in the world they ever got by before the Buffet District came on the scene.

Boink-Town resident Larry Hagman (no relation), “I thank God everyday that we have the Buffet District. Before it’s arrival, I used to go to regular restaurants that make you order off of a menu like a sucker. Now I can go to any number of places that will let me give them seven or eight bucks in exchange for a feast that you used to only read about in fairy tales. I can go to a steak house for a beef fix, or go to one of the Chinese buffets to eat pizza or chicken nuggets…not to mention crab legs! Sometimes I have to pinch myself just to know that I’m not stranded in some wonderful dream.”

Borden's shamless cosume.

The alleged perpetrator, Bryan Borden of Springfield, is facing a myriad of charges including disturbing the peace, disorderly conduct, making an old woman blush, impersonating livestock, and the inappropriate making of merriment and/or whimsy.

According to reports, Borden was enjoying a legendary 4-H pork chop when he decided to execute a plot that he later confessed to planning for over five years, an idea that started as a simple drunken boast amongst friends, and ended in a turbulent storm of chaos and “udder” mayhem.

The incident began when the diabolical Borden repaired to the privacy of a public toilet where he stuffed himself into a cow costume, just moments before one of the many livestock exhibitions began. Although not a getup of Hollywood, or even Baliwood quality, the disguise was authentic enough to gain him passage to the promenade of majestic milk makers that had started to make their way to the showing arena; competently led by a corps of young 4-H’ers who apparently didn’t notice Borden’s relatively small stature or pathetically feigned “moo”.

Longling can't stop crackin' wise.

“Even way back then people would say that I ‘had a knack’ for conversation…my brother and sister are still mad at my mom for letting me answer the phone when we were growing up instead of them despite the fact that I was six and eight years younger than they were-- it was just that I had a way with the callers and exuded a certain finesse in the ways of polite conversation. The lunch ladies and janitors in school couldn’t get enough of me either…I guess it really is a gift.”

Continually honing his craft throughout the years, Longling, now a thirty-something desk jockey in a large corporation, has turned his “gift” into an oddity that has taken his workplace by storm-- weaving a web of surface-level discourse that has his coworkers anxiously awaiting their next awkward encounter in the hallway or standing at the urinal just to hear what this “maestro of the mouth” might say next.

"Well I'll be...."

According to Milner, she was looking for the remote control to her television set in the cushions of her living room sofa when she found Jesus in the little chasm between the covered springs and padded back of the of the couch, amidst an array of loose change, old potato chip crumbs and a tattered TV Guide dated June 7-14th, 1997.

“I was digging around in the couch, hoping to find the clicker for my T.V. when all of the sudden I felt something tug at my pinky finger. I thought that maybe a mouse or something had crawled in there, but sure enough, it was Jesus Christ. I pulled him outta there and said, ‘Dam Jesus, what in the world are you doing in my couch?’