 Derek and his many conquests. Shields’ defense for his actions is the much invoked “beer goggle defense” which has been used for centuries by both men and women who have regretted their chosen teammates in the ever difficult game of love—more appropriately referred to as the game of “I’m drunk, somebody take me home to validate my worthiness as a person.”
Shields claims that he had imbibed “far too many” draft beers and adds that he suspects foul play on the part of Mommy’s staff in causing his misstep in his Saturday night ritual of “doing a pretty girl a favor,” stating that he thinks that a vengeful bartender may have altered his beer in order to make him “seem to be drunker” than he may have actually been. As Shields puts it, the beer goggles were a direct result of the doctored brew and forced him to act out of his character, choosing to woo a girl he later referred to as “a beast.” His friends are calling his feeble attempt to cleanse himself of guilt in the situation “typical Derek,” citing several instances from the past in which Shields has “done the nasty with girls far uglier than this one.” Shields’ friend TJ Buckles, “Derek ain’t never wore no beer goggles. If anything, he relies on girls wearing ‘em to ‘get ‘er done. He’s bagged more than half the ladies at Mommy’s, not to mention a bunch over at the State Room. He’s just mad now because he found out that this last one’s got a brother that used to pee in his batting helmet during Little League. She wasn’t too cute, but he’s done a lot worse…trust me.” There is no word yet as to whether or not Shields’ beer goggle claims have stuck a broom-handle into the spokes of Mommy’s ever-churning rumor mill, but he has vowed to “pick himself up and move on,” hoping that by this coming weekend, his charms will be back in full working order. |
