Eli, eli, lama sabachthani.

However, as countless transsexual prostitutes have proven to innocent Johns everywhere; looks can be deceiving. Ms. Matthews is one of millions across the globe to have found a new god in their quest for truth and life fulfillment: Google.

 “I can’t really give you that exact moment when I finally figured everything out”, Ms. Borders explains. “I was going through a tough time with the death of my boyfriend and work just seemed to keep piling on top of me. Every Sunday I would plant myself in the front row of mass and ask a million questions in my head. It began to seem like I was only talking to myself. Well, it wasn’t long before I started skipping church altogether. That’s when I found Google.”

Ms. Borders’ story seems to be a carbon copy of Google practitioners everywhere. With its simple interface and endless answers, the digital deity has put a serious dent in the churchgoing population.

Zack Bryant, owner of Boink-Town’s very own comic book superstore “Fanta-Z”, can attest to the power that Google has over its congregation.

 “I remember this episode of Star Trek where Spock got all messed up by these dudes wearing togas. I think they were supposed to be a fraternity or something. Anyways, Kirk has to use this super computer on the Enterprise to help save Spock. It’s crazy ‘cause without Spock’s logic, Kirk’s human brain is incapable of saving his buddy. It’s probably one of the better “Trekisodes” and kind of an ironic antecdote. It was pretty sweet.”

Mr. Bryant’s somewhat trivial comparison of Google’s godlike status to a computer on the Enterprise may be a sad sci-fi metaphore, but the search engine’s spell over the world’s population cannot be denied. With an ever increasing (albeit censored) presence in communist Red China, Google seems to have reached every darkened corner and frayed edge of planet earth.

With chaos at an all time high and destruction peeking through our tattered atmosphere, Google may indeed provide the last hope for all of humanity. Just ask their investors.