Borden's shamless cosume.

The alleged perpetrator, Bryan Borden of Springfield, is facing a myriad of charges including disturbing the peace, disorderly conduct, making an old woman blush, impersonating livestock, and the inappropriate making of merriment and/or whimsy.

According to reports, Borden was enjoying a legendary 4-H pork chop when he decided to execute a plot that he later confessed to planning for over five years, an idea that started as a simple drunken boast amongst friends, and ended in a turbulent storm of chaos and “udder” mayhem.

The incident began when the diabolical Borden repaired to the privacy of a public toilet where he stuffed himself into a cow costume, just moments before one of the many livestock exhibitions began. Although not a getup of Hollywood, or even Baliwood quality, the disguise was authentic enough to gain him passage to the promenade of majestic milk makers that had started to make their way to the showing arena; competently led by a corps of young 4-H’ers who apparently didn’t notice Borden’s relatively small stature or pathetically feigned “moo”.

Once in the center of the ring, the fiend waited patiently to be judged by an elderly woman who has long been a prominent figure in the yearly event, her presence now more of an homage for past service rather than a weighted voice of bovine critique.

As the unsuspecting mummy made her way to Borden’s ample flank, he seized his opportunity and sprung up on two hooves and began to dance the Lindy, gesturing comically in the face of the stunned judge before yanking her close and planting a smooch on her wrinkly face with his phony, whiskered cow mouth.

“Ole Sally” had more color in her ancient face than anyone on hand could remember as the shock and embarrassment of the occurrence shot through her crusty old bones like Franklin’s electric kite.

After briefly basking in the glory of his intrepid stunt, Borden did “the worm” all the way out of the arena before trotting away in an effort to avoid capture.

It did not take long before deputies tracked the gallant fool to a small cove between the merry-go-round and a funnel cake vendor thanks in no small part to the very conspicuous jangling of the oversized cowbell hanging around Borden’s neck.

Although a trial date has not yet been set, it is said that Borden is planning to plead innocent to all charges pending against him and offer to write an apology to his elderly victim in lieu of serving time in jail or paying a fine.