Unbelievable.

While most of the semi-rational American public weathered the fad and was happy to see it go, Parmesan lingered on in a pathetic rut, continuing to flaunt his poor taste to the detriment of not only himself, but all those around him. His strange, you could call it “addiction,” to these shirts cost him his marriage, a number of friends, and the respect of his coworkers.

It seemed as though Parmesan would forever roam the Earth in the cotton/polyester-blended shackles that had become his unfortunate trademark. The breadth and scope of his Big Johnson collection would have been admirable had it been not been for its idiocy and sadness.

Now, as 2007 has set in, the handful of people who are still willing to associate with Parmesan decided it was time to end his love affair with the Big Johnson line and try to salvage what is left of his mostly wasted life. A few friends, acquaintances, and family members came to the conclusion that an intervention was the only chance to save Jerry from himself and so, last week, gathered at the home of Parmesan’s brother, Peter, to see if they could shock him back to reality.

At first, the meeting looked as though it was doomed to failure and that Parmesan would flee the scene rather than listen to people badmouth his signature wardrobe…he came to Peter’s under the promise that they were going to “get banged up” and watch the first season of Married, With Children on DVD. Despite his cries of “this is b***s**t” and “why can’t you like me for me?” the assembled group of caring individuals persisted, each of them showing how Parmesan’s Big Johnson mania had negatively affected their lives.

“You had one of those damned shirts for every occasion,” his ex-wife, Linda, said, “when we went to my mother’s funeral you wore one that said ‘Big Johnson Shovels: When you’re digging a grave for a big fat lady, you need a Big Johnson Shovel to get the job done right.’ I never understood it…”

Countless, similar tales followed, and by morning, the intervention was deemed a success as Parmesan promised to burn his Big Johnson collection that following day…the only caveat being that he get to keep his Big Johnson Drivers shirt which was the first one he ever bought while on a golf trip to Myrtle Beach.

“It’s my heart,” he said, “you can’t expect a man to live without his heart.”