Not very ladylike.

“Joakim has meant the world to our basketball program and we are forever grateful to have been blessed with such a tenacious competitor to represent our university,” said Donovan. “Being the first female athlete to ever participate on our men’s basketball team is something Joakim can always hang her hat on. She knows the difficult path that lay ahead at the professional level and we fully support whatever she decides to do.”

Refusing to answer any follow-up questions, Donovan left the conference room abuzz with both the muddled opinion and groundless conjecture that has plagued sportswriters for decades.

Unable to accept defeat, the pool of journalists formed a slow moving herd and plodded their way towards the Edwards Jones Dome’s practice facility to try and get a few words from Noah herself.

"I know it was you, Richard."

The idea of a homosexual athlete who dares to enter the crowded arena of competitive sports is an apparition that can only be summoned by those who have carried the cross of sexual condemnation.

With the recent confession of former NBA dud John Amaechi, homosexual athletes have once again entered the blinding spotlight of self-righteous judgment that was once reserved for athletes “of color” and “sober” Irishmen. Whether engaged in a celebratory “ass slap” or just taking a snap in football, the modern athlete dares to go places that the average heterosexual deems taboo.

 Duke University’s Dr. Michael Scrote has just completed a yearlong psychological study that asked participants to rate random sports pictures on a scale from “Hetero-Cold” to “Flaming-O”.

The General takes flight.

Ever since their exploits were chronicled on the t.v. series “The Dukes of Hazzard”, fans everywhere have wondered when Bo and Luke would decide to quit torturing the grotesque “Boss Hog” and enter the world of auto racing.

“It’s always been a dream of ours to finally put the flannels away and suit up for a NASCAR event”, explains Bo Duke. “We’re a little pickled by the suspension, but we’re guessin’ the other boys got a little soggy in the bottoms after seein’ the ol’ General in the qualifier.”

"Get well soon, Griff."

Although the injury looked to be rather minor, the recent reports that have suggested that Griffey will be ready for spring training seem to have been erroneous at best.

Hal McCoy, veteran Reds beat writer and model of irresponsible journalism, first reported that Griffey would indeed be ready for spring training in a January column featured in the Dayton Daily News.

Contrary to speculative reports, Treebune.com has learned that Griffey will indeed be out for an indefinite period of time due to a severely bruised ego.