"I know it was you, Richard."

The idea of a homosexual athlete who dares to enter the crowded arena of competitive sports is an apparition that can only be summoned by those who have carried the cross of sexual condemnation.

With the recent confession of former NBA dud John Amaechi, homosexual athletes have once again entered the blinding spotlight of self-righteous judgment that was once reserved for athletes “of color” and “sober” Irishmen. Whether engaged in a celebratory “ass slap” or just taking a snap in football, the modern athlete dares to go places that the average heterosexual deems taboo.

 Duke University’s Dr. Michael Scrote has just completed a yearlong psychological study that asked participants to rate random sports pictures on a scale from “Hetero-Cold” to “Flaming-O”.

“What we found was that around 80% of sports photos ranked right around the “Curious George” mark”, explains Dr. Scrote. “That is to say; participants considered those athletes in the photo to be bi-curious, but not full out flaming. If we are to dissect the raw data and come to any sort of conclusion, it would seem that most athletes’ interaction with each other could be considered “pretty gay”, but not worthy of a Culture Club concert”.

Dr. Scrote’s study has polarized the athletic landscape and caused the University of Hawaii to destroy any and all evidence that would suggest they were ever called the “Rainbows”.

University of Hawaii President Jared Murphy explained his academic institution’s decision to destroy all records of the University’s former nickname.

“This is not about right versus wrong or gay versus straight”, explained the bumbling Murphy. “I have at least one gay acquaintance…well, he’s a friend of a friend…not someone I’d hang out with all the time or anything, but you know…he’s funny in the pants. Now, let me state that there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not like we’re real close or anything. We hit the links every once in awhile…wait, let me rephrase that: We play golf together on occasion; like once a year or something…nothing serious. The point is that this institution thought it necessary to never revisit the dark days of the “Rainbows”. It’s not a question of sexual preference, but rather a statement of “Warrior” pride. We believe in our new nickname just like we believe in the rights and acceptance of all homosexual athletes. But seriously, a round of golf doesn’t make me close to this guy or anything. It’s strictly platonic…for me at least.”