Wash all you want - The stench remains

Although all of these scenarios seem pretty rough and awfully unfair, they pale in comparison to the cross now bore by newborn Trevor Smith of Tucson, Arizona…the kid thought to be the 300 millionth American in the country, and according to experts, the one person who has doomed the Social Security program to failure…an always conjectured occurrence now made real by his presence in the US.

According to the Center for Statistical Research, this moniker of “the baby who killed Social Security” would have befallen any poor child who happened to be born at the right (wrong) time and that even though the algorithm that set the time of the milestone citizen also considered immigrants’ arrivals (a new person is added to the population through birth or by travel every 11 seconds), it was decided that the caustic title be given to a natural born and not a naturalized citizen--illegal immigrants were taken out of the equation because they are not supposed to receive Social Security benefits (right).

CSR spokesman Wilton Hires, “We have nothing against this Trevor Smith, but when we were discussing the critical mass of the Social Security program some years ago…we all agreed that whomever was the 300 millionth…when he or she reached retirement age…that’s when the money would run out. It could have been anybody. Poor little bastard…he’ll probably have some real issues growing up with this label, but what can you do? ‘The Baby who Killed Social Security’ is so catchy…so visceral, so sensational…we had to go with it. A phrase like that only comes along once every 150 million people or so…”

Trevor’s parents refused to comment on the situation, but are rumored to be looking at homes in the Social Security-free and prescription drug-laden provinces of Canada.