Giddyup!

Long known as expert craftsmen, makers of fine furniture and raisers of premium barns, the Amish have thrived for quite some time by selling their quality goods and prostituting their simple lifestyle for the sake of tourists’ pleasure.  As it turns out, however, the very aspects of Amish culture that have preserved their traditions and made them the butt of several jokes over the years are now threatening to destroy some Amish communities as many of their members turn to crime as a means to make ends meet. 

The causes of the rampant joblessness in the Amish sections of the country are said to be “self-inflicted” according to a recent study conducted by the U.S. Department of Labor, which cites the Amish refusal to use electricity as a large part of the problem since many of the growth industries in America focus heavily on technology; technology that uses electricity and not steam or raw horse power as its driving force. 

Amos Yoder spoke of the problems facing his people over a slice of shoofly pie in Lancaster, Pennsylvania, “I’ll admit that a 93% unemployment rate sounds pretty bad, and it is.  The problem is that there isn’t a whole lot we can do about it, English.  In the past, we could rely on royalties from P. Buckley Moss paintings to close the gap when the Amish economy took a downturn, but now it looks like photographs of Amish people with extremely long and bowed legs aren’t in vogue like they used to be.  Another thing that is currently hurting us is a lack of mobility.  We can’t own cars, and most of us don’t have non-electric power sources fit to run computers, which we probably wouldn’t use anyway.  This means not only can we not commute long distances to work in non-existent factories or businesses that don’t use electricity, but we also can’t really work from home on the internet or some similar enterprise.  The real shame of the current situation is the lack of jobs’ effect on the community.  I know several good men who used to raise many a barn before the big modular, pre-built barn boom hit the country.  Now, they’re lucky if they get to raise one barn a season, and you just can’t get by like that.  This forces them into a life of crime that makes them ashamed to even sing hymns from the Ausbund at church services.  Butter theft and buggy-jackings have risen in direct proportion to the unemployment rate in many places as formerly honest men become more and more desperate which is just awful…a real tragedy.” 

 Probably the hardest hit portion of the Amish economy has been that of the much guffawed Amish mechanics who have suffered greatly from advances made in the horse feed industry which has made they’re particular skill set all but obsolete, some only able to keep their arms buried in a horse’s ass for thirty-five minutes a week.  Although the current situation facing the beloved and proud Amish community is dire, a nationwide Amish commission is now being formed which promises to get to the root of the high unemployment problem and put forth a solution that will both spawn an economic recovery and hopefully bring the Amish crime rate down from it’s unheard of 2% rise back down to the normal .007% which they are accustomed to.