Survival of the filthiest.

Long-time enemies, bums and raccoons are said to be engaged in a ruthless struggle that is tearing apart not only families, but private property as well. It is no secret that since the first dumpsters appeared in this country during Colonial times, that those people who found their livelihood by rummaging through garbage--mostly old powder horns and discarded molasses in those days--have been at odds with Mother Nature’s dirty little omnivores, otherwise known as raccoons.

Both of these groups are well-equipped for their chosen lifestyles; both have human or human-like hands which can manipulate the lids of trash receptacles, both are willing to eat or take into possession just about anything, and most of all, both groups are known for their savvy and scrappiness--a dangerous combination of grit and ingenuity that lends itself to survival in harsh conditions.

Although the two have fought for centuries, there had been an unspoken truce that was being observed for the last fifteen or so years which allowed the bums to do their scavenging during the daylight hours, and the raccoons to do their dirty work at night.

According to reports, that truce was ended recently when bum Lester Hankings of Portland, Oregon punted a raccoon that he found sleeping under an old Big Wheel in a dumpster behind an apartment complex. Claiming that the “filthy little bastard” was intruding on “bum’s time” and that he “got what he deserved,” Hankings inadvertently may have set off the biggest turf war since the Warriors tried to get home.

 Now, in cities across the country, raccoons and bums are clashing in stinky scuffles that have the public scared to walk out into parking lots for fear of being caught in the crossfire. It is rumored that the bums are harboring a secret weapon, perhaps a bum-hobo alliance the likes of which haven’t been seen since the railroad industry placed a ban on freeloaders, and if that comes to fruition, the raccoons are said to be “all but finished.”

Hoping to avoid such widespread carnage, a church group from Provo, Utah has stepped up and offered to help broker some type of lasting peace that would allow the two nemeses to coexist, but to this point, the outlook for such an outcome, according to Hankings is “not likely.” I

f you see a confrontation believed to be a part of this turf war, safety officials recommend that you calmly walk away and retreat to the confines of the restaurant, car, or housing complex that you previously exited. If this is not possible, jangle your keys or make a loud noise as a distraction to buy yourself time to escape from harm’s way.