 There is no escape. At first these commercials were seen merely as an annoying toll, paid in exchange for whatever genre of crap that you like to engross yourself in after work, but now, following a rash of weird and troubling incidents, this army of hard-hatted mouth-breathers is in the hot seat and has become the focus of a governmental terror investigation. According to reports, the Verizon Network has been popping up in a variety of different situations and has terrorized network subscribers by frightening children, ruining otherwise special moments (announcements of wedding engagements over the phone, etc.), dropping down unexpectedly onto the roofs of cars, and creeping out attractive young women who say that the “Verizon Guy” (you know, the geek that wears the windbreaker and Buddy Holly glasses) has been asking them out on dates or “just to hang out.”
In light of these events, the network has been placed on a hot list that the government uses to monitor the activities of possible homeland terror suspects. “The Verizon Network,” says one Senator, “has got to be stopped before they are allowed to do any real harm to our citizens. Right now they are just doing the cutesie stuff that you can sort of write-off as mildly funny or just pesky, but soon, somebody’s really going to get hurt, and as the President says, ‘we need to take the war to the terrorists’ and not just sit back on our laurels and play defense. I’m drafting legislation right now that will effectively disband the Verizon Network and demand that it’s leader, the Verizon Guy, be held in custody without all of the red tape of a trial or hard evidence. I think we’ve all seen enough from this dope, and if left to his own devices, who knows what sinister plot he might unleash upon the public. I mean, for cripes’ sake, just let people talk on the phone in peace.” At the moment, the Verizon Network is said to be hiding out somewhere in the mountainous caves of Appalachia where cell phone coverage is at a minimum, but a task force has been dispatched which is making cellular calls around the clock hoping that the enticement for the network to swoop in at some time and expose themselves will be too great to resist. Freedom is nothing if we can’t talk on the phone without a mass of weirdos coming out of the woodwork to bother us whenever they please, or we are forced to watch a guy in a windbreaker make stupid faces. |
