Another rockin' show. Badness.

At least that’s the way it would seem as Christian Rock newcomer invades the somewhat confusing phenomenon of what is contemporary Christian music.

The biggest thing to hit the Evangelical Christian scene since the open-air big top and the solid gold chair, Taintkins has used what he learned in his “bad old days” as a shitty secular musician to carve a niche in his newfound genre that conjures up images of what it must have been like when the Disciples first decided to follow Christ, sans fishing nets (mostly).

According to Taintkins, he was given the choice to “be a nobody” in a more difficult industry (non-religious music), or venture into a style where the audience is already receptive and worked into a frenzy and all you have to do is stay on point.

“So one day the drummer in my old band, The Futtbuckers, and I were watching the God channel because we didn’t pay the cable bill and it was the only station we could get.

I turned to him and said, ‘Man…these guys are all over it.’ There was a band, no better than we were, singing to a thronging crowd of churchies who were doing that weird dance where they hold their hands out and sway, singing every verse and hanging on their every word. ‘Jasper,’ I said, ‘that’s what we need to get in to. Right there. We could make a fortune.’ Of course Jasper and the rest of the Futtbuckers thought I was crazy, but now I’m building my own stairway to heaven…out of dollar bills and rubies.”

Although Taintkins is more than pleased with the fortune he is amassing, he also claims to be proud that he is “giving good folks something to listen to,” noting that the main drawback is that, even though many of his new female fans are “way hotter” than the girls he used to hook up with after small bar shows playing with the Futtbuckers, most of them won’t do much beyond holding hands or asking him to tell them how close he his to Jesus…the Christian groupie equivalents of backstage romps and late night debaucheries.

All in all, Taintkins does believe that he has made the right choice, in spite of the lack of the “usual perks” that accompany music stardom, and he says that he has no plans to stop any time soon. I

f you would like to hear what Johnny Taintkins is up to these days, check out his debut album, “The Fleecing of the Flock” which can be found in most of the worst music stores and for sale at the end of some television shows on Christian television.

You won’t want to miss his hit single, “Thimble full of Worship” or his quasi-political piece “Ji-Had to Be Joking,” a musical barb aimed at the evils of radical Islam.