A local patron spits away.

For weeks he fretted and schemed. He toyed with the idea offering nicotine gum instead of after dinner mints, but that seemed too trashy. He thought about using tobacco in salads and as garnish on his dinner plates instead of parsley, but that was too disgusting. Finally, as he was just about to throw in the towel and close his doors for lack of a remedy to his problem…it came to him…brass spittoons.

A fan of Westerns since he was a boy, Plummer figured that the vessels--now largely relegated to decorative accessories for home bars or game rooms--would be the perfect, classy solution. It paid off.

Immediately forlorn by the anti-smoking regulations, his customers jumped at the chance to shove large wads of dip into their lower lips or toss a wad of “chew” between their cheeks in order to get their mealtime nicotine fixes, and other area restaurants have followed suit, many of them outfitting their former smoking sections with spittoons of their own as way to appease the tobacco set.

As the symphony of spit rains down sloppily into the musical loogie catchers, Plummer equates that to the sound of money spraying into his pockets.

 “At first I was worried as to whether or not this whole spittoon idea would take off…but boy, has it. I know it’s only been about a week since the smoking ban went into effect, but I’ve already seen my regulars coming in with cans of Kodiak instead of packs of Camels, just so they can feel like their doing something that can’t be taken away from them. Sure the cleanup’s a bit more ‘intense’ than just emptying dry waste in ashtrays, but it’s worth it to see the grizzly brown smiles of my satisfied customers as they walk out the door. As if that weren’t enough, the spittoons really dress the place up too…I was thinking of remodeling before the ban passed, but now I’ve completely revamped The Plummer’s Crack at a fraction of the cost of traditional ‘renovations’ just by adding these little miracle workers. In a way, the smoking ban’s the best thing that could’ve happened to me…Thanks Ohio voters!”

Now that the spittoon craze is starting to take hold, many speculate that the incessant sound of spit clanking on brass and the occasional kicked over puddle will spur a backlash in its own right that will bring a similar ban for smokeless tobacco up on a future ballot, or, given the choice between two “evils,” a repeal of the current smoking ban just as a way to get rid of the spittoons and the nauseating stench of wintergreen-infused saliva.