Some asshole interrupts Bush's 360 session.

Although the aforementioned triumphs are undoubtedly fantastic, according to Manchester resident Toby Cavins, they pale in comparison to what he calls “the greatest development in the history of mankind.” Cavins is referring to the XBox 360, the latest video game console released by software giant Microsoft, and quite possibly the most meaningful product to come along in the lives of dorks and antisocial man-boys since the release of Pong.

Cavins, a twenty-nine year old cashier who lives in his parents’ basement and has never been involved in any type of romantic relationship says that now that he owns the game system (a purchase he made at 12:01 am amongst a sea of fellow gamers on the date of the 360’s release) he has filled a void in his life that comes from a lifetime of avoiding human contact and blaming others for his own failings.

“I’m unstoppable now,” he says, “I can do anything! If I want to be a jock, I can. If I want to battle enemies in outer space, I can do that too. It might not look like it, but I’m a pro snowboarder (via the 360), I’m also quite the catch for the ladies (via the 360). I fought in World War II, and led the NFL in rushing…how many people can say that? This new console is more realistic than life itself…I swear. I now know my purpose, and it is to be an asskicker (in his parents’ basement)! Watch out world (video-fantasy world), Toby’s coming!”

As strange as it may sound to many of us who actually live in the physical world, experts say that Cavins’ experience is all too common among fanatical gamers throughout the country, and unless they undergo an intensive regimen of therapy and forced, physio-social interaction with other human beings, they will end up as elderly cranks that believe that their gaming experiences are actually what they did in their lives-- leading them to make outrageous claims of superior achievements that will leave them even more alienated from the rest of society and without any hope of ever fostering true, healthy relationships.

In short, there will be a population of insane gamers who will, in their old age, drain society’s resources because they have never earned a non-fantasy living and so have no money set aside for their twilight years, and since they never paid taxes, have never contributed to the public services that will be needed to extend their all but wasted lives.