Don't touch the merchandise, Bert.

All that changed recently after a “field trip” to a nearby super-store produced more than the abundant discount merchandise that his mother, Janet had been seeking—Joshie found a friend. Upon their entrance to the sprawling shopping Mecca, the young boy was happily greeted by a man in his eighties who asked the pair if they needed a shopping cart and implored them to “Have a pleasant day.”

Josh was immediately drawn to this kindly stranger, known by fellow employees as “Bert,” and asked his overprotective mother if might stay behind and talk to this new human contact while she scoured the shelves for cheap toilet paper and oversized boxes of cereal.

A brief interlude of contemplation passed, after which, Joshie was given permission to hang around the cart corral at the front of the store pending Bert’s assurance that he would not be inconvenienced. Bert agreed and so a new relationship was born.

 As the relatively short time of twenty minutes flew by, Joshie dazzled his elderly compadre with his preternatural spelling abilities and knowledge of the Christian Bible. Although too soon by Joshie’s standards, when his mother returned and said that it was time to leave, he asked Bert if he could call him “friend,” to which Bert replied, “Sure thing, kid.”

Joshie beamed with glee and smartly retorted, “Friend…F-R-I-E-N-D…friend.” His newfound buddy giggled an uncomfortable giggle and bid the socially inept boy and his mother “Goodday,” in a manner reminiscent of the antique radioman Paul Harvey.

In the weeks that have followed, Joshie has reportedly become something of a “handful” to his mother/teacher/only-friend-in-the-world and has been asking her repeatedly if he could be a “real boy” and constantly harassing her as to the next time they will be visiting Bert at work. Janet Listing has not yet figured out a way to tell Joshie that Bert has been fired due to the boy’s incessant phone calls and in-store inquiries, fearing that the loss of his only non-familial friend may be too much for his tiny, sheltered heart to bear.

Bert has reportedly moved back in with one of his daughters because his now nonexistent greeter income coupled with his Social Security benefits was the only thing that allowed him to live on his own in a moderately priced apartment.