Videogame concept art.

Although details are scarce, Rockstar Games President Gary Fredlick has high hopes for his company’s latest and “greatest” installment of his empire’s gargantuan gaming franchise.

 “This is a setting in which gamers will truly feel at home”, Fredlick explains. “The storm has passed, but the player finds him or herself thrust directly into the senseless bedlam that ensues. The only wrinkle is that the main character has come back from the future to deliver an ass-kicking unseen since Donkey Kong unleashed his barbaric barrels of destruction. With every conceivable advantage, the player must navigate a perilous landscape of broken levees and broken dreams to deliver his (or her) message of hope to a bumbling Mayor Politico. We think the simple premise will appeal to every videogame fanatic/uncultured introvert this side of the internet.”

Fredlick’s description of the game may have many gamers intrigued, but the overly sensitive and woefully unemployed populace has decided to spend their abundance of free time protesting the eventual release of the radically awesome game. Part-time protester and full-time “mother” of two golden retrievers, Margaret Jones has yet to find any humor or entertainment in the game’s ominous setting. Raising a banner of disdain that reads, “Grand Theft Morals”, Ms. Jones stands firmly against any profiteering of the “Hurricane Heard ‘Round The Bayou’”.

 “I can’t believe we allow this filth to percolate through the veins of America’s youth”, Jones says. “When I attend the Sundy (Sunday) sermon, these misguided adolescents are going to be glued to there television sets. Only Jesus knows who will be saved, but I will definitely be looking down upon these digital sinners and their dubious deeds from my seat at the right hand of the father.”

Although based in the same sweet ironic fiction that pollutes the snowy white pews of elitist congregations everywhere, it would seem that Rockstar’s latest game has somehow managed to place itself squarely in the sights of the morally righteous while inexplicably overpowering the stench of their own folly.