"Don't touch the jukebox."

The suit, filed last week in a federal court, calls for an end to the controversial playing option which allows impatient patrons to pay an extra fee to bypass other peoples’ chosen songs which were paid for and queued prior to their (the impatients’) musical selections that apparently can not wait a little while for their proper turn in the rotation.

These digital menaces have been the catalyst for several barroom brawls as civilized, neighborly individuals turn into incensed savages as their unalienable right to hear the music that they have paid for is tromped on by selfish misanthropes who feel it necessary to be instantly gratified by their (usually atrocious) jukebox selections.

Drew says that he decided to file his lawsuit after several frustrating incidents during which he wasted both his hard earned money and valuable time waiting to hear music that he “played” in digital jukeboxes in bars as his power as a consumer of music was usurped by drunken fools who are willing to piss their money away in order to hear “Ride a Cowboy” or some electronic club track as quickly as digitally possible.

Says Drew, “These digital jukeboxes are an assault on our liberties akin to the old Jim Crow laws of the segregated South. It’s as though we have forgotten how to function in a civilized society. There is no reason for someone to have to wait for an hour or more to hear a few songs from a jukebox. I have actually put money into a machine and had the bar close before I heard even one of my songs because this cursed ‘Play Now’ crap. The jukebox manufacturers don’t care because as long as there are people stupid enough to pay an extra fee to leapfrog their fellow listeners, they’ll just laugh as their profits grow, no matter how many lives are torn apart. The bars don’t care either. It’s not like they’re responsible for their patrons enjoying a satisfactory experience in their establishments. We have come so far in so many ways, why is this any different? One man, one song, one right.”

Clayton Drew’s charismatic “call to arms” has sent a shiver through the jukebox industry which claims that all of its jukebox users have a “separate, but equal” opportunity to avail themselves of the “Play Now” feature despite the fact that not everyone is okay with spending three dollars just to hear two songs, and regardless of the pain and hypertension caused by the machines’ offering of a choice to patrons to puke on the rights of their fellow listeners.

As the suit progresses, Drew is calling for a nationwide boycott of the “Play Now” feature until the jukebox industry learns that it can not toy with the liberties of the American people.