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Your World Today
Post’s Alpha-Bits Under Fire for “Spoonful of Obscenities” E-mail
Written by Buster Lymon   
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Will you marry me?
Rickshaw, AL- It was just an ordinary day for Gary Bettles, a second grader at Greyshaw Elementary in Rickshaw, Vermont. After a “startling” wake-up call from his mother, young Gary sat down to the same wholesome, albeit tired bowl of Alpha-Bit cereal that had graced the Bettles’ breakfast table for nearly three years. But Tuesday morning would be far removed from the normally nutritious start to a day of spelling tests and smothering affection. It would only take one spoonful of whole grain goodness to set in motion one of the most incredibly frivolous lawsuits of our time. Serving as matriarch and “Baptist Bombshell”, young Babs Greyshaw has attacked perennial cereal powerhouse Post which she claims is providing the “necessary tools for creating a perverse culture” after noticing a “subliminal” message in a scoop of her son’s cereal. “ I almost fainted”, says an exasperated Babs. “ I look down and all I see is the f-word plastered all over his spoon. Gary is a good boy and I know he would never do anything as sinister as spelling out a word that is synonymous with damnation.”
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Robertson Prophecy Raises Questions E-mail
Written by S.D. Malone   
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"LOL! You're the best, God."
Evangelist and 700 Club personality Pat Robertson recently made another of his “prophecies” which he says comes directly from the mouth of God.  This time around, Robertson claims that the Almighty told him that there would be a terrible terrorist attack in the United States in 2007 that has the potential to kill scores of innocent Americans.  Despite the possible number of “faithful believers” that consider it rational that Robertson regularly converses with God, there are some, including Robertson’s psychiatrist, who feel that the so-called prophecy is a reckless use of a public forum and possibly a sign of more troublesome things to come.  According to Dr. Peter Barksdale, Robertson’s mental state is “touch-and-go” at best and that if this predicted attack does not come (which everyone in their right mind hopes is the case) prior to December of this year, his patient may slip into a state of embarrassed dementia due to the ramifications of this unfulfilled prophecy.
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Beleaguered Salvation Army Official Resigns Post E-mail
Written by S.D. Malone   

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For Whom The Bell Tolls.
Washington D.C. - Following six years of devoted service to the current Salvation Army administration, Secretary of Offense (a position of great importance in the organization as it is in charge of developing proactive strategies for increasing donations and support of services) Ronald Bumsfeld has stepped down from his post--a bombshell announcement which will take full effect January 1, 2007.  Citing a need for a “fresh perspective” in the role, Bumsfeld reportedly made his decision known to Salvation Army President Greg Rush in a private meeting held well in advance of the notification to the public and other officials in the Army’s ranks. 

 
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Taco Bell Rolls Out New “Border Sauce” to Ease Consumer Fear E-mail
Written by S.D. Malone   
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Eat up, Johnny.
Trebuchet, AK - As the latest outbreak of E-Coli related illnesses has been linked to Taco Bell franchises on the upper East Coast, the company has decided to release a new “Border Sauce” in an attempt to ease the fears of would-be consumers and put a cap on plummeting profits in the wake of this scare.  Taco Bell has long been known for its knack for turning ridiculous ideas into money and its corporate brass is hoping that this latest scheme will pay similar dividends.  The difference this time is that instead of introducing stupid concepts such as the “Fourth Meal,” words like “melty,” “smunchy,” and “meximelt,” and products which simply try to cram as much junk as possible into a wrapped up ninety-nine cent diarrhea investment, the company is truly playing with people’s lives, and not just in the sense that even eating a steady diet of Taco Bell could significantly shorten your life expectancy.
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