An undated workout session

According to reports, Ms. Oyl found Popeye lying next to his Soloflex with a wad of spinach hanging out from his trademark pipe; he apparently used his unusual leafy green steroid to help get him into the “right mind” before engaging in his monthly workout routine…the source of his grossly oversized forearms and, from what we hear, his impressive calves (they were always hidden beneath his sailor pants). 

Sweet Pea, the couple’s only child (but rumored to be one of hundreds that Popeye sired via his raucous exploits sailing form port to port over the years) is said to be quite distraught over the matter, and has vowed to sue “whatever bastards did this to my old man,” obviously filled with the piss and vinegar that made his dad such a take-no-prisoners icon.  He has called for an investigation into the possible connection between Bluto, Popeye’s nemesis and constant suitor of Olive Oyl, and a temporary worker who mysteriously left the Popeye Spinach factory shortly before the final batch of Popeye’s “special” spinach was produced--a coincidence that Sweet Pea, now a grown man, claims “smells fishy.” 

Freeloader and hamburger addict Wimpy agrees with the allegation, and says “he’d gladly pay an investigator Tuesday for a full-scale probe today.”  Aside from the possible motives of this heart-wrenching affair, the larger problem is that whether or not Popeye’s demise was the purposeful act of a jealous man, or just another, unplanned contamination, now the FDA is forced to possibly ban all spinach consumption in the country--a step which would effectively end the run of a vegetable that nobody really liked in the first place…unless of course it’s buried in cheese with an abundance of artichoke hearts.