It's gonna be a massacre.

Normally, the symptoms of this Spring Fever consist mainly of a few days of hooky and certain degree of fidgeting in the desks-- problems that educators may not like, but have learned to deal with as a pretty acceptable “cost of doing business.”

This time around, however, the stakes have been raised as a tragic escalation among a group of third graders who were debating whether puppy dogs were cuter than kittens sent three of the young rascals to the principal’s office and their beleaguered teacher to an area hospital where she now remains in stable condition.

According to the prepubescent witnesses that saw the sad event unfold, the debate as to which of the generically cute animals was the cutest (no question that the puppies should win because kittens grow up to be disgusting, untrustworthy cats) had been progressing as it should (in stereotypical style), with the boys siding with the puppies and the girls with the kittens when, out of nowhere, one of the little boys crossed the line of argumentative courtesy and got personal.

“I’ve seen your cat, and it looks like it has poop for a face,” young Andy (no last names because these are children) said to Hannah, “and poop belongs in the toilet. I’m gonna throw you’re poop-faced cat in the toilet.”

With that being said, Hannah, who is noticeably bigger than Andy, kicked him in the shin and told him that he “is the one with poop for a face.”

A tussle ensued. Before long, the entire classroom was in shambles. Desks were overturned, feelings were hurt, and crayons were broken and scattered about the place in a rainbow of waxy shards no longer good for anything but perhaps melting over a Coke bottle.

Brave Ms. Carl tried every trick in the teacher’s arsenal to regain control of her mutinous brawlers. She turned the lights out and Shushed with all her might, counted to five, asked everyone to “put their heads down,” and even pulled out the old “permanent record” shtick. When all else failed, she attempted to separate the crowd physically (careful not to actually touch any of the students for fear of a lawsuit…but as physical as a teacher can be when all hell is breaking loose around them). As she entered the fray, slipped on a glue stick, crashed to the ground, and in doing so, broke her elbow, bruised her ribs, and suffered a mild concussion.

Luckily, “Creepy Janitor” (actually a man named Pete who leads a completely normal and fulfilling life…you know how kids can be at that age) was passing by the room at the time of the incident and was able to bring the shenanigans to a halt with a simple glare and also tend to Ms. Carl’s injuries while the class kiss-up ran down to the office and got the principal.

As it stands now, Andy, Hannah, and one unnamed offender have been sentenced to eraser clapping duties until the end of the year, and Ms. Carl has been nominated for the “Lean On Me Award” which is given each semester to the Oregon teacher who “strives to diligently and voraciously combat horseplay and sassy behavior in the classroom.”

Treebune.com was not allowed into her hospital room for comments.