Embarrasskin'

Economists note that with the rise of butter demand and a brisk rise in gun sales, the United States is inching ever closer to an economic euphoria. ACLU lawyer Frank Wedner does not dispute the statistical data, but maintains that the demise and possible extinction of street punks will increase poverty and extend the gap between the prosperous and the lazy.

“I’m not going to stand here and say that these laws are not curbing a lot of violent crime in this country. However, with the demise of the street punk, we are removing a critical chunk of the criminal food chain and thus creating a world where there is no distinction between the drug Czar and the lowly gang banger. Without the everyday criminal, crime lords everywhere will cease to exist and our political landscape could devolve into a state of anarchy.”

Wedner’s comments have sparked the politically insane to protest gun shows across the United States and raise their scribbled signs in defense of the common criminal. Self appointed “God of Guns” Bill Goodman has condemned the protests and threatened to sue the ACLU for inciting a peaceful riot, an oxymoron that lead-based paint had made him too dense to recognize.

“This sh*t has gone too far”, Goodman says. “The day we strip ourselves of our Christian God’s given right to bear arms in a conspicuous and somewhat dangerous manner is the day I travel to the Canadian border, become a Canuck and turn my back on the American way. Embarrassing”.