I'd rather eat the hat.

Named after famed illusionist David Copperfield, the award has become one of the most sought after honors in the high stakes game of fast food marketing and offers its recipients bragging rights for a year as well as a career boost to those responsible for the campaigns that earn its distinction.

According to the panel of judges that decided this year’s winner, Subway stood out from the rest of the pack because of its “blatant falsehoods” and “ability to win over customers through the artful use of deception.

Citing the chain’s motto of “Eat Fresh” as “one of the biggest misnomers of all time,” the panel seemed to be amazed that it still works after years of customers walking in and finding pale chicken flanks floating in a mysterious liquid (most likely/hopefully water), pre-assembled sheets of meat which are plopped onto sandwiches, and other sandwiches which are made with chunks of meat that wait for their turn in the assembly line in tiny paper cartons only to be zapped in the microwave for thirty seconds before being eaten.

The esteemed judges were also very impressed with Subway’s commercials that make their sandwiches look to be far more edible than they actually are and have also linked the chain’s food to weight loss (remember former fatass Jared who, not coincidentally, doesn’t appear in commercials that feature fattening foods like chicken parmesan subs that the franchise has recently tried to push?).

This mastery of the ways of the old bait and switch adds up to a Copperfield, and the envy of the industry.

Many in attendance at the awards ceremony seemed to be surprised that odds-on favorite Arby’s was left out in the cold, only receiving a special mention for making their “roast beef” sandwiches appear to be “meat-like in flavor” and not “flat as a dime” in their television spots.

Wendy’s, which had never been invited to the Copperfield Awards before its beloved founder Dave Thomas died, found its representatives to be visibly unsettled after the Subway win and threatening to “return to quality food and service with true-to-life, honest advertising.”

Unfortunately for those companies that left the Copperfield Awards empty handed, there is an entire year to put up with Subway’s boasting (and toasting…of their bread…another pointless gimmick worthy of their honor).

On the other hand, they also have an entire year to come up with more ways to trick us into lining up at their collective troughs while we shut our eyes to the truth of the crap that we eat off of crumpled-up pieces of paper.

They are very good at what they do.