A declaration of war.

In what looked like another mundane UPS spot, the crafty whiteboard guy calmly waltzed onto the screen, took his place before his magical board, bowed before millions of Americans, unsheathed his mighty dry-erase marker, and slowly spelled out UPS like a young Matthew drafting his version of the gospel.

What happened next stunned the millions of American Idol viewers and marked one of mankind’s greatest acts of defiance.

With a steady hand and cool demeanor, the marker-wielding maestro wrote “Underpaid Servants” on the otherwise spotless board and quite possibly brought the tyrannical shipping powerhouse to its knees.

Long known for its third world wages and humiliating uniforms, UPS had seized power over the shipping world with little resistance. A brief war between FedEx and “Brown” had done nothing but leave the laughably expensive FedEx fishing for small time package deliveries and teetering on the verge of collapse.

It seems all too fitting that one the most virile studs in the UPS stable of stars has finally done what no company has been able to do.

The irony surrounding a possible bloodless coup within UPS has only tightened the iron grip of CEO Gary Magnus.

“This sort of insubordination will not be tolerated”, said the angry Magnus. “The whiteboard guy’s blatant defiance of this great empire shall be dealt with accordingly. Because of his actions, all employees are hereby ordered to wear their winter caps until given further notice. I don’t want to see any ears, people. I want those flaps down and those eyes focused on the tasks at hand. Also, any man, woman or child must now wear their standard issue brown slacks throughout the summer months. If I so much as see a leg, I’m going to…well, let’s just leave it at that.”

As Magnus delivered his fiery speech, UPS officials had begun a search for the elusive whiteboard guy. With rumors swirling that he had been given exile in a FedEx warehouse in Wyoming, Magnus had ordered a fleet of brown trucks to surround the FedEx territory and set up a possible confrontation. With rumblings of possible border clashes already underway, Treebune.com will be delivering updates whenever possible. Stay tuned.